To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
こいつ天才
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Yup
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary