We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
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I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min