Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.