As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
You Might Also Like
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute