Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
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Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?