I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I’m dying louder than usual today.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.