[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
yeah 😭
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye