god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.