Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
You Might Also Like
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Good morning ☺️