Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
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My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Never forget.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa