I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?