[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
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Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
How I like cutting carbs
😏😏😏
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*