*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.