Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
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{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese