Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!