If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]