when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️