Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.