Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
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The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
describing stardew valley
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.