How animals would run if they were human
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The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.