People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen