I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
You Might Also Like
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
handsome & gretel
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.