i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
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My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.