My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
You Might Also Like
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea