[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Sorry. Not sorry
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day