My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”