Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions