Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
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I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?