Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that