Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I think I’ll stand
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.