Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”