[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”