Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
And now we wait
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”