Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
calling in to work dehydrated
Mood.. 😂