me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
just having fun
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.