me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.