My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
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I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY