Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals