Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
So inspired right now.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”