You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
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When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times