OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.