My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
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Raisins are grape jerky.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]