[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
5 ways to appear taller
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this