Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Well, my evening plans are ruined
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.