Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
two people or more is called a problem
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves