When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes