The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.