My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
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if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My birth announcement for our third baby
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
😂😂
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.