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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.