We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.